She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We were destined to go to rehab together
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
