I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
