Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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