Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
