I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
