apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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