This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
