I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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