i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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