I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
