I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
