I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
