fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Oh god it's open bar.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
