So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I am midnight drunk by noon
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
