I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
