Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
