so explain again why im purple
no
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
