Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize