my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
