matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
