He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
