This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
