we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
