You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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