It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
