the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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