sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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