I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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