Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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