My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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