you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
