I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
