Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
