I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize