Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
