I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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