I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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