dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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