Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
