In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
