I have demons in me.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
