I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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