Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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