you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
