This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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