I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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