I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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