dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
