Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
