your parents love me but you hate me
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
