a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
