What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
