I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
