proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
