i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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