I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
