oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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