You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize